EzineArticles.com Interviews Linda Della Donna

Good Morning, Everyone!

It’s been awhile since my last post. Rain, family obligations, sometimes life, gets in the way. Mea culpa.

Today I got some good news. No. Make that colossal news. I’ve been interviewed by EzineArticles.com. And you can view it by clicking below.

What I’m asking here and now if maybe you could pass a positive vote my way. It sure would put a smile on this widow’s face. *soon as I figure out how to drag the voter-thingy to my site*:)

You can read the interview here.

Please, don’t forget to cast your vote for Griefcase!

Janet Elaine Smith–Interview coming soon…

Recently I emailed best-selling author, Janet Elaine Smith and requested an interview. Janet responded in kind with the following. I share it with you today as introduction for what is yet to come and to give insight to this marvelous author who just happens to be a widow…Or is it the other way around? Anyway, with Janet’s permission and for your reading pleasure is her email to me.

…I’m off to make some yummy cranberry bar cookies, then snickerdoodles, then to organ/piano practice this afternoon and then a gal coming over to visit for a while. In between there someplace I have to finish up two magazine articles (both which involve some phone interviews).

Would you like a sneak peek at what I am doing for Christmas eve?

Our little church has a sort of talent show/cookie snack program. Two ladies who are also alone are going to come over here for oyster stew (I have a super good recipe if you want it). Ivan and I always had oyster stew for Christmas eve supper. The kids wouldn’t touch it, so they had pizza. Never did any of us mix the two! LOL! We also had oyster stew at home on Christmas eve when I was growing up.

Anyway, for my talent part, I am going to tell about my Grandma Hallett (my dad’s mom) and how she had a beautiful voice, but she seldom sang. But on Christmas she always sang Silent Night in German. (Her mom was German and her dad Swiss.) Then I’m going to play and sing the first verse in German. Then I will tell about my mom’s music box that she got from her dad (Grandpa Snitzelbaum–long story about that name), and I will play a piano rendition like it was on her music box. Then I will tell about Silent Night in Venezuela and at the Mexican-American Christmas parties we always had for the kids in Grand Forks, and then I will sing the first verse in Spanish. Then I will play my own piano arrangement, a la Roger Williams style. LOL!

So, what do you think?
Janet

Well, Janet, I think you’re one super lady who lends hope and inspiration to all us widows feeling a bit lonely wondering how we’re going to get through the holidays without Him by our side.

Thanks for the email. Look forward to our interview–coming soon.

L

Michele Neff Hernandez, Founder/President, The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation – An Interview

Good Mourning, Everyone!

Meet Michele Neff Hernandez, member of the club nobody wants to join and Founding President of The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation.

Recently I had the honor of interviewing Michele.

Here’s my interview with Michele (I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed preparing it):

Question: How did The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation come about?

Answer: Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation was created as a resource center for people grieving the loss of someone they love. When my own husband died three and a half years ago, I felt very alone. Losing my husband in an accident when I was thirty-five years old turned my whole world upside down, and I could not figure out how to make sense of the conflicting emotions that became my daily companions. After living in a fog for a few months, the thought of finding other widows and asking them how they lived through this experience occurred to me.

From the time of my first interview, my grief journey was inalterably changed. Meeting other women who understood me in a deep and personal way shined a light on the darkness I had been living in up to that point. When I realized that I was not alone in my sorrow, the burden of loss was a little bit lighter. As I became more familiar with the ways in which widows all over the country are supporting each other through innovative programs, and courageous personal quests, I realized there was a need for all of us to come together. Meeting this need is a goal of SSLF. We provide resources and programs that connect those who serve with the grieving people who need the love an support uniquely offered by individuals who have traveled the same path.

Question: Where does your funding come from? Do you take donations, and if so, are they tax deductible? Also, how does someone make a tax-deductible donation to the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation?

Answer: Our initial funding came from a grant from a generous Rotary Club in Simi Valley, California that asked me to speak to them about the interviews I did with other widows around the country. Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation is a 501(c)3 corporation, and all donations are tax deductible. We are currently seeking both corporate and individual sponsors whose donations will help us fund the various programs we run, and a special event we are planning in July of 2009. We work hard to honor the trust of our donors by providing high quality programs and compassionate care to the communities we serve.

Donations can be made through our website at www.sslf.org or can be mailed to: 2828 Cochran St. #194 Simi Valley, Ca 93065.

We are so grateful to the people who support our mission to provide much needed hope to grieving people across the nation.

Question: I understand you have an upcoming conference? Please tell us about this exciting event–Where is it? When is it? Who can participate?

Answer: We are thrilled to be hosting the first ever National Conference on Widowhood in San Diego, California.

Widows, widowers, bereavement professionals, clergy of all denominations, grief support leaders, and interested family members are all welcome to join us, and each group will go home inspired by the people they meet. The conference will be held at the San Diego Marriott Hotel and Marina from July 17-19, 2009. There will be an outdoor concert, thirty two different workshops available on Saturday, a banquet dinner, and we finish of the weekend with a 5K run/walk…literally putting one foot in front of the other.

This event will be a celebration of all we have accomplished, and a place to find the inspiration to do more in the future. We best honor those we lost by truly living the life we have left ahead of us. This conference will provide attendees with tools they can use, and the hope they seek to make tomorrow a brighter day.

Question: What one thing do you want participants in this event to come away with?

Answer: Anyone who attends this event will come away with new information about the services and programs that are available for widows.

They will also discover the power of being in a place filled with people who understand the journey of grief, and they will be astounded by the amazing amount of good that has come from the ashes of loss.

Question: Being a widow is belonging to the club nobody wants to join. Care to share with readers something positive you have learned since becoming a member?

Answer: I have learned that I don’t have to be afraid to heal. That learning to love life again, does not diminish the love I have for my husband, but rather honors that love in a courageous way. I now know that the lessons grief has taught me have altered the way I look at life, and that this new perspective is a powerful force for good in the world.

Question: Is there one secret about yourself since becoming a widow you can share with readers.

Answer: Hiring a gardener was a fabulous decision…I often tell him he is my best friend!

Question: And finally, Michele, if there is one thing you could tell the widows mourning the loss of their loved one to help them in their journey through the grief process, what would it be?

Answer: There are two things I always say to new widows.

The first is a reminder to be gentle with yourself. Allow your feelings to take you away, and allow your day-to-day life to bring you back. Try to focus on making it through right now, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

The other thing is the thought that there was a time when you could not imagine being where you are today, in this circumstance. In that same way, there will be a day when you are in a place you would never have imagined. Your sister widows hold that hope for you, because we know it may be too heavy for you to carry right now. But someday the sun will shine again, and you will be able to hold onto the memories of your love without the sharpness of the pain you feel right now. Really.

For more information about Michele and The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, readers may contact Michele Neff Hernandez

c/o Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
2828 Cochran St. #194
Simi Valley, Ca 93065
877-671-4071 ext 706

Or, visit The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

Thank you, Michele, for your inspiring and motivating words. I’m certain readers are encouraged (I know I am) and perhaps looking forward to attending your celebration event for anyone grieving the loss of a loved one.

Deborah Woods – An Interview

Good Mourning, Everyone!

Often I hear from widows, widowers, and anyone experiencing the loss of a loved one. I even get mail from children who miss their dearly beloved lost pet. I am so very fortunate to get to spend time with these individuals. They touch my heart in ways too numerous to mention.

The following is a letter I recently received from a member of the club nobody wants to join, Deborah Woods.

Deborah writes:

“My name is Deborah Woods, and I was widowed on August 12, 2008. Your home page made me cry. Thank you for that. I feel I need to cry more so it was good. Sometimes words on a page or on a computer screen speak to me, and I respond in kind. I’m curious about your interviews — who do you interview and why? You asked on your website if I needed an interview….I guess I’m confused because I don’t know why. Do you interview regular people such as myself?”

Here is my interview with Deborah Woods. I hope you like it.

Deborah and Morgan

Linda: How did you and Steven meet?

Deborah: Steven and I met through a girlfriend at a Chargers’ tailgate party back in October of 1997 That was a Sunday…10/26/07 to be precise. Steven was at this same tailgate party. Steven met Denise through (their) mutual friend Kim. Steven asked Denise if she had any single girlfriends, and she immediately thought of yours truly.

Denise called me on her cell phone and gave the phone to Steven. He and I spoke by phone that day and every day thereafter until we met in person the following Thursday which was October 30, 1997.

He had the most glorious (telephone) voice. I was hooked at the very first. We met at my favorite honky-tonk In Cahoots in San Diego. I walked in, stood in a usual spot for about 2 minutes before I noticed a striking guy across the way from me. I cocked my head, he smiled and proceeded to come over to me. Lord have mercy–when he approached me, the first thing that I thought of was, Holy cow! This guy’s tall! Steven was 6′3″, and I was so not used to or into guys that tall. He was also very handsome. He said to me, I hope your name is Deborah…? I said something clever (or so I like to remember) like, It’s your lucky day, or just plain Yes. LOL I can’t remember exactly. Anyway, we spent some time in each other’s company, and had fun.

The next night was Halloween, and I was already attending a huge Halloween party with my brother and his wife so I asked Steven to meet us there. He did, we had more fun together, he got to meet my brother and his wife, and I got even more hooked on this guy. By night’s end, he had managed to remember to give me a kiss goodnight as we were driving away. Good thing, too, because I commented to Gaby (sister-in-law) about that very thing. Steven apparently went to his truck and thought better of leaving me without at least a kiss. Gaby was driving, backing out of our parking spot when Steven ran over, tapped on my window which I lowered, and gave me the sweetest kiss good night.

Thank God, I thought! That very weekend Steven came over to my house with his then 3-year-old little girl and proceeded to completely unravel my life and heart. He was unlike any man I’d met up to that point and into today. He gave me three cards telling me all this stuff I was longing to hear and feel. He also said to me that I would probably fall in love with his daughter Samantha. I smiled and said, What about the dad? He laughed and said, We’ll see about that. Within about a month of meeting Steven, I was telling my girlfriends at school that I’d met the man I was going to marry which I’d never done before EVER. We were engaged 6 months to the day we met, and we married one year to the day we met–October 30, 1998 was an amazing day indeed for me and Steve. I’ve got the photographs to prove it.

Linda: How long were you married?

Deborah: Steven and I would’ve been married 10 years this October 30th, and we would’ve been together for almost 11 total.

Linda: If it’s not too painful, can you share how Steven died?

Deborah: Steven died because of AEA, auto erotic asphyxiation…also known as hypoxyphilia. He was also using meth again, unbeknownst to me and many more. He was doing two extremely dangerous things, either of which can easily kill by themselves. He was combining the two, and one of them took his life that August 12th. His death was ruled accidental by the coroner’s office. It was not a drug overdose, and it was most assuredly not a suicide. He accidentally killed himself. He had no intention of not coming home that fateful day.

Linda: Deborah, what was your relationship with Steven like?

Deborah: Steven and I started off as friends who had incredible passion for each other. We couldn’t keep our hands off of one another in those early years. We laughed a lot, made a lot of love, and created a life together. Steven adored me, and I loved him very, very much to the very end. We had our moments of strife and fuss and anger and all of that but we always managed to come back together because we were a TEAM. Challenge was everywhere around us, and we persevered as a couple. We hid the skids more than once but neither one of us wanted to bail. In fact, Steven blew our lives completely up in 2002 when it was discovered that he’d been successfully hiding a 15+ year meth addiction. He was the most functioning addict around, or so we thought. He went into treatment, came out, and I was waiting for him. People thought I was crazy to take him back but I saw past the addiction to the MAN who was Steven Allen Woods. He was worth it to me, and I gave him a chance. God, he was SO worth it. If he hadn’t died on 8/12/08, I probably would’ve helped him again to the best of my ability. He was a very good man.

Linda: Did Steven have hobbies?

Deborah: Steven’s hobbies–his family, sports, creating stuff, spending quality time with us. He didn’t play tennis and he adored sports of all kinds. He went to Cooperstown last summer for Tony Gwynn’s induction, and that man was walking on air because of that. Thank God he was able to go. I saw to it that he did because I knew how much it meant to him.

Lida: What were Steven’s last words to you?

Deborah: Something like See you later. Our parting that fateful day will forever haunt me because we were a bit pissy with one another that morning, and he gave Morgan a kiss goodbye but not me. I sat on the couch watching him leave for work, wondering if I was going to receive a kiss. I didn’t, and I watched my husband go out the door not knowing that was going to be the very last time I saw him alive. Regret burns hot, like a poker.

Linda: Did you have a last kiss?

Deborah: No, we did not, and I will regret that for the rest of my life.

Linda: What about your children? Tell me about them.

Deborah: Steven has a daughter from his first marriage, Samantha. She will be 15 years old this December 22. I met her for the first time when she wasn’t even 4 yet. She has grown into this amazing, gorgeous, tall, blonde, blue-eyed young woman that I am beyond proud of. She is talented, sweet, kind, loving, generous and so much more. She and her dad adored one another, and it showed. She sings like an angel and looks like one. God help the young men with that one. Steven and I have a son together named Morgan Alexander. Morgan will be 5 this December 26. I had him right before I turned 40, baby! I wanted to do it before I turned 40, and I did it–MY way. Morgan is blue-eyed, blonde, gorgeous, too smart for his own good ( !!! ), sweet, loving, confident, and so much more. He is my light, and I am so thankful that I was chosen to be his mother. Steven was an amazing father to both of his kids, and they miss him terribly. He was one of the funniest guys EVER, and he cracked us all up regularly.

Linda: What are their names? How old are they?

Deborah: Samantha Elizabeth, 14; Morgan Alexander, 4.

Linda: What do you tell them now that Daddy is not here to tuck them in any more?

Deborah: Both kids know that Steven is dead. Sam understands more of the details but she still doesn’t know everything and probably won’t until she’s older. Morgan still thinks that Daddy is at the place where he was lying in his casket, where we left him that day. Steven was cremated, and I have his ashes in my living room right now as a matter of fact. They have yet to be scattered on the ocean. I tell Morgan that his daddy adored him and lives in his heart and mind forever more. Just saying words like dead, ashes, and more break my heart every time I utter them. Morgan still asks why daddy is dead. I say because his body stopped working. He will know the whole truth one day.

Linda: Now that Steven is gone, what are your plans? Do you have any?

Deborah: My plans are to get through my days, one at a time. I need to get my financial house in order and then Morgan and I have travel plans. We are going to Bermuda to be with family there. We might visit friends in Georgia or Arizona or Amsterdam. I don’t plan to look for work this year. I may or may not place Morgan in preschool this year, depends on my financial situation. If not this year, then next year before he begins K in Fall of ‘09.

Linda: Thank you, Deborah. Thank you for sharing your story. Griefcase wishes you and Morgan and all members of your family sincerest condolences and much mourning joy all the days of your life.

Sedulia – An Interview

First, Sedulia, sincerest condolences on the death of your loved one. Please tell us about yourself, and your family.

Hello Linda. I come from a big family in southern Louisiana, and I now have a fairly big family myself. I have been living in Paris, and now I live in Los Angeles. Without making a big deal out of it, I prefer to stay anonymous.

How did your website come about?

I was so deeply shocked when my father died.

He died the way we would probably all like to go, at home with his wife and all his children around him, my sister reading a prayer, dawn breaking on a beautiful day. He had somehow held on while I came from France and one of my sisters came all the way from Africa. Hours after his last child arrived by his side, he died peacefully. I believe people who are ill can often somehow choose when to let go.

I had lost other people who mattered to me– my grandparents, an uncle I loved, a cousin killed in the Marines, classmates, and even a close friend killed in a motorcycle accident. I had thought I was ready for my father’s death, because he had been ill for a long time. But it didn’t help. Death was so BIG, so impersonal to have happened to someone I loved, and I had loved him so much. I wasn’t prepared for the sudden grief that overwhelmed me when I heard music or singing. I remember sitting in a theater in Paris with tears flooding down my face in the dark. Why were all these people alive, and he wasn’t? I felt angry whenever I saw a man his age. Why was he alive, and my father wasn’t? For a few months after my father died, I felt as if I was out of breath all the time. I would see something that was perfect for his Christmas present (his present was always my favorite one to buy– he was whimsical and literary) and for a second or two of happiness I would forget that he was gone. I wasn’t prepared for the loss of his love for me. He had always understood and loved me better than anyone else in my family. I can’t even imagine how my mother felt. She is not the kind of person who talks about her grief, but he was her best friend and companion.

The smallest word of kindness helped. “I’m sorry about your father.” I was surprised how much that meant to me.

I was surprised by the sharp image of loss I get now when I hear on the radio that ten people were killed in Iraq– it seems more real than it ever did before.

Even today, it makes me sad that my children, who were raised in Europe, never got to know my father as I had hoped. They never knew him well, they don’t miss him, and that makes me sad too. It’s the way of all flesh to be forgotten eventually, I know. But this brings that to life so strongly.


I visited Consolation.com and found it to be a wonderful website. I, personally, find it most encouraging. Where did your idea come from? How often do you post, and where do you pull ideas from?

When I was so sad, no one around me could make me feel better. I sort of mentally went into a cave, doing everything like an automaton. My brothers and sisters all went home to other states, and I stayed with my mother for a couple of extra weeks; she needed company and both of us felt fragile. My father loved poetry, and a week or two after he died, I was reading Time or Newsweek and I came across a wonderful quotation by Rabindranath Tagore :

Since I was fourteen or fifteen I had kept a commonplace book, a notebook where I had collected quotations I like. I also copied quotations from what I was reading into my diary. So now I went hunting for poetry that consoled, and read and reread it. Somehow it helped to know that other people had felt just the same way, centuries earlier.

A few years ago, actually years after my father’s death, I realized that instead of keeping these quotations shut up in a notebook in a cupboard, I could put them up on the internet for other people to see. And that it might help someone who was going through the first sharp pangs of grief, or the later softer sadness that is still intense. So I set up Consolation.

I put things up whenever I find them. Sometimes I go looking, or translate things. I love to find just the right photograph to make a quotation more poignant. I think the internet is wonderful.

What have you gotten out of writing Consolation.com ? Do you find it rewarding? Do you realize what a help you are to someone going through the grief process?

I don’t know if it helps anyone. It helps me, though.

How long are you writing? Are you published? Please tell us about your writing niche. Is there something special you are working on at this time? Can you share?

I’ve been writing a lot all my life, but aside from a brief fling with getting paid for it before I had children, I’ve never had a writing job or published a book. I had a blog when I was in Paris, called Rue Rude, which was fun to do. Now I’m in California, I feel the urge to do something different. I’m not sure what yet.

And finally, Sedulia, please share with Griefcase readers, one favorite tip for getting through the grief process. Do you have one?

In China, writing poetry is considered a good therapy for grief. Everyone literate used to write it. I find writing down your feelings helps– it also helps not to overburden those around you. My mother has another way. She plunges into her work, which is at a charity. She says doing something to help other people is the best way to overcome your own grief.

Linda, I admire you for how you reacted to your own grief. I think you have encouraged so many people. Grief doesn’t go away, but it does become softer and more bearable with time. It can become a loving memory instead of an ever-present heavy sadness. That is what I think you help people realize with your “mourning joy.” Thanks for that.

Sedulia

Jewel’s Sandbox News – Griefcase Interview

Friday, September 28, 2007

Freelance Writer Linda Della Donna’s Griefcase: Helps Others through Grief and Loss
I had the opportunity to meet a prolific freelance writing widow this year when she became curious about my children’s book, Flying Hugs and Kisses. During our correspondence I learned that Linda Della Donna had also learned many lessons about grief and loss and is supporting others with her website, “Griefcase.” I was also curious about her writing career and this is what she had to say: more….

Eileen Hickey – An Interview

(c) by Linda Della Donna

Good Mourning, Everyone. Joy to you and me.

Each and every day I look for a different way to celebrate what I lovingly refer to as mourning joy–something for my pea-sized brain to wrap its arms around and nudge me gently through my day–Today, I celebrate Eileen Hickey from White Plains, New York. Eileen Hickey is a hero–She triumphed successfully with her battle to lose weight. Just thinking about Eileen’s story fills me with mourning joy, because as every writer knows, in The Hero’s Journey, the hero attains her goal–Here in her own words is Eileen Hickey’s story:

Eileen, please tell me a little about yourself. What do you do for a living? What is your age?

I am 23 yrs old. I am currently working as a teachers assistant.

I understand you had surgery recently. Please tell me the name of your operation, and why you decided to have this operation?

I had gastric bypass surgery. I decided to have the surgery after 3 years of deciding. My health had gotten so out of control that I had to make a decision if I wanted to save my life. My doctor kept telling me that if I didn’t lose weight immediately, I could have a heart attack, or a stroke at any time, therefore, I could have died. After them telling me this, I knew having the surgery was my last chance at correcting my health.

How did you select your surgeon?

Back in June 2003, I had to have my gall bladder removed, so my family doctor recommended my surgeon. He did such a wonderful job and was an excellent doctor, that my physician recommended him again for the gastric bypass. I was so scared to have the surgery in the first place, but knowing that I could trust this surgeon left me confidant that everything would work out just fine.

Was there a screening process involved?

Absolutely. This is not a surgery for everyone. There are so many risks to this surgery–you have to go through a screening with a psychologist, a nutritionist, a pulmonologist, and a cardiologist. Each doctor runs various tests to see if your body can physically handle the intense surgery, and to make you aware of all the risks to make sure this is truly what you want, and will be able to maintain and adapt to your new life style.

This is Eileen Hickey — Before her surgery

Eileen, were you frightened? Was your family supportive? What was the recovery like? Was there pain?

Since there are many risks to take into consideration, it was a very hard decision to make. Of course I was scared of the surgery–it was a life decision that I was making, and not knowing if it was the right one.

It took some convincing for my family. I was never completely honest with them on how unhealthy I was and how greatly my health was at risk. When I opened up to them then, they were 100% supportive. I feel it is very imperative to have a good support system while deciding to have the surgery and when recovering , along for the rest of your life.

The recovery went really well for me. I was very fortunate to have experienced no complications during and after surgery. The only small bump that I ran into was a little dehydration for about a week. At the time of healing, it felt a lot worse than what it sounds like. My family and doctors monitored me well and constantly helped me to get fluids into my body. Just like any surgery, there was pain.

I must say though I have had two other major surgeries, and compared to the healing process, this last surgery seemed not as bad. The hardest part of the healing was the emotional factor.

Losing weight at such rapid pace can send your hormones in many different directions, as well as not eating what I was used to. You try your hardest to mentally prepare yourself and the doctors always say you’re never 100% prepared–Well they were right! It took me several weeks to adjust physically and emotionally.

This is Eileen October 2005.

How much did you weigh before the surgery, Eileen? How much weight did you lose? What is your weight now? Do you need to lose more?

I am 5′9″ and weighed in at 313 lbs. As of my last doctor’s visit on August 17th, 2007, I weighed 196 lbs. That is an amazing total of 117 lbs. lost in a little over 8 months. My surgeon’s weight loss goal was to get me down to about 180 lbs. to have a normal BMI (Body Mass Index). Since I had lost the majority of my excess fat already, he has predicted that I may loose another 50 -60 lbs. in the next 6-8 months, but by then my body will regulate and gain back some of the weight to were I will be at a healthy, comfortable weight. In my mind, I am healthy now, and that is all that matters. My goal was to never be “skinny,” mine was to just be healthy.

I have reached that goal and so, if I never loose another pound, then I will just continue to work out, eat well balanced meals, and be proud of how far I have come along.

What is your daily diet like since the operation compared to before?

Much smaller meals. Even when I tried to eat healthy before the surgery I never realized how large my portions were. Now my portions are very small and mainly protein, with mixes of fruits and vegetable . I don’t always make good choices now, I will still have a few chips here and there, or maybe a sugar-free cookie every now and then, but I feel that I have control of my intake and I just try never to overeat because your stomach is a muscle and can be stretched back out. That is how many gain their weight back after they have had this kind of surgery.

This was Eileen Hickey.

Knowing all you know now, Eileen, if you had it to do over, would you have the surgery?

In a heartbeat!!!!

This was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. It was worth every ache or pain from the surgery and every tear I may have cried.

I am blessed to have had such a great support system and for them (family members) to always remind me that this is what I wanted and that I could do it. My sister always reminded me that “the healing process goes quickly and by tomorrow you’ll be feeling better”. That helped me get though each day knowing that by “tomorrow” I will be a better, happier person.

Would you recommend it to another man or woman contemplating this surgery?

YES!

However, just like a doctor will explain to you that the surgery is like a “tool” and what you do with that “tool” is up to you. Anyone looking for this surgery must know that it is NOT a quick fix and will change your life forever. If you are committed and dedicated then you will have great success and your life will change for the better.

Are you satisfied with the results?

I am very satisfied of my results. I don’t like to take full credit, because I feel if I didn’t have my family and boyfriend always helping me to do good, then I’m not sure where my results would be right now. I will never regret any decision that I have made because it has saved my life!

And finally, Eileen, how has this operation changed your life?

It has changed my life in multiple ways. For the most part, my health. I no longer have high blood pressure, my asthma is under control, and I am not at a risk for diabetes anymore. Along with losing the weight your confidence goes up, as well. I don’t feel as insecure about myself. Walking into places doesn’t have me feeling like others are staring at me like a “freak show.” Also, buying clothing is much more affordable now, so that’s pretty exciting. Overall, this experience has been wonderful, and I hope that I will bring the same to someone else that has this procedure.

This is Eileen Hickey today!

Ahhhh, Mourning Joy.

Thank you, Eileen Hickey, for your special words. Griefcase wishes you well.

Amber Miller (Almost Mrs. Randall T. Marshall), An Interview

Tanya Mundis Palmer (Mrs. Charles O. Palmer II) An Interview

(c) Linda Della Donna

On May 5, 2007, United States Marine Cpl. Charles O. Palmer II was killed near Khalidiyah, Iraq. He was 36 years old. Recently I had the honor and privilege to interview his wife.

Please welcome, famous widow, and member of the club nobody wants to join, Tanya Mundis Palmer, wife of famous American Soldier, Marine Cpl. Charles O. Palmer II.

Hello Tanya. First, sincerest condolences. We salute Marine Cpl. Charles O. Palmer’s bravery, courage, and valor. Thank you.

Please tell me a little about where were you born, where you grew up. Do you have brothers and sisters? Are you oldest, youngest? Are family members supportive?

I was born and grew up in York, PA. I have a younger brother, an older stepsister (by 1 month) and an older stepbrother. I have a huge family and Charles’s family is rather large, also. I have so much support between all the family and close friends, that sometimes I don’t know what to say to everyone, except when they ask if we need anything, I tell them to bring some “chicken nuggets.”

How did you and Marine Cpl. Charles O. Palmer II meet? Where did you go on your first date?

Charles and I were officially introduced to each other through a mutual friend at their anniversary party in Mooresville, NC. I guess you can consider that our first date.

What did you do? Do you remember your first kiss?

We played cards, and sat beside the fire and talked until the sun came up. We had our first kiss that morning. He said he was “committed”. I said I had a lot of baggage (2 kids and a fairly mean ex). He said that was okay. I said, “Well, then I’m committed, too.”

We were with each other everyday from May of 2002 until February 2006. Except for 3 days when he went to California (to visit) and 2 days while I was at my Grandfather’s funeral in PA.

Do you remember your last kiss? Can you describe where you were, what you were doing?

The last day we kissed and said our goodbyes, was on February 15th 2007. We were on main side base of Camp Lejeune @ 1500 (hours) (I was) waiting for him to get on the bus to leave.

When did you and Charles get married? Did you have a big wedding?

Charles and I married January 19th, 2006. We snuck off to the justice of the peace with my younger brother and the 2 children. We were planning on having a big wedding in 2008 only due to the distances of where our families lived. We tried very hard not too hurt anyone’s feelings and wanted to be able to give everyone the chance to be able to attend.

What did it feel like when Charles entered a room? …When he touched your hand?

When Charles walked into the room, he filled the room with his smile, and when our eyes met from across the room, I would fall in love even deeper. I would wait for a comment to be said by him that would have us all laughing until our sides hurt. Most times he was quiet, but when he spoke, people listened, and then the debates would begin. The touch of his hand made me feel safe, and his embrace let me know that he would never leave.

Tanya, where were you when you received the news Charles was killed? Were you prepared? What was your first thought?

I was at home washing my car in the front yard. You’re never prepared. My first thought was that these three gentleman could not go into my house. It was a Saturday, and the kids had everything everywhere. I knew that if my husband found out, he would be upset. Although, in my mind, I knew why these men were here. You can never forget.

Tanya, did you and Charles discuss the possibility he would not return from Iraq? Did he prepare you in anyway? What did he tell the children?

We never really talked about him dying. Rather, he prepped myself and the kids in his own way. If the kids asked him questions, he told them truth. Somehow it has helped. I’m actually in the middle of a big custody battle. The weekend after Charles deployed, I let my ex have the kids for the weekend. Needless to say, he kept my daughter, but he gave me back my son. I was not able to talk to, or see her until that Saturday when I was told. I got to see her that next Saturday.

How did your children take the sad news?

Rebecca broke down on the plane. She cried so hard, she shook, and the only thing I could do was hold her, and stroke her hair, and tell her everything will get better. Brenden didn’t cry until we received Charles’s personal effects from Iraq. I read a birthday card to him that my father and stepmother had mailed to Charles while he was in Iraq. That opened up the river that night, and every night since, he sleeps in Charles’s cammie shirt that Charles wore over there. Rebecca wears his cap and a set of dog tags. I’m still in the middle of the custody battle, but at least the judge has ordered every 2 weeks during summer until the custody hearing.

Was there a favorite thing you and Charles liked to do together? What was it?

We enjoyed so many things. We both worked a lot, so the time we were together was precious. What we enjoyed the most though was taking the kids camping and fishing. When we cooked supper, we cooked together. We enjoyed having friends over, or visiting.

Tanya, what one thing do you want the world to know about Charles?

What I want the world to know…..Charles was a wonderful father to two kids that were not biologically his, although some people were shocked to hear. The kids had picked up his mannerisms through the years. He was a wonderful husband. This was both our 1st marriage. He loved his son more deeply than I’ve ever seen a man love a child. Until he had re-enlisted in the Marine Corps that was all he would talk about. I was proud of him before he was Marine. He worked hard and many long hours at the powder costing shop but you could tell that the Marine Corps was where he wanted to be.

The day he came home after being at the recruiters office, he was smiling from ear to ear. While we cooked supper that night, he looked at me and said, “Guess we have to get married.” I looked at him and said, “Okay”. Then we finished up supper, tucked the kids in, and watched a movie before going to bed.

He was a different man from that point on. Everything was more intense–The passion, the love, the honor that he felt–He loved serving his country, and taking care of his family at the same time. He volunteered to leave on advance party to go to Iraq. He always wanted to make sure that “his Marines” were taken care of. He went out of his way to stay late, and would have the men and their wives over so we could all meet. He was a tough man but always tried to be fair. He would let me cry on his shoulder and then when I was finished would ask, “Okay, now how can you take care of the problem?” That’s how he prepped me for his death. He made me think in the middle of a crisis, instead of him taking care of it for me. I can never be more grateful to one person for that.

Charles was a well-liked man, and his friends spoke highly of him. He was just an all around great guy.

What do you want your friends, neighbors, family members, or strangers to say, or not say to you, as you work through the grief process?

I want people to not be afraid to speak to me. They can say anything . Let me talk to them. Let me hold them, if they need to cry. I don’t want people shying away from me knowing that their husbands are/or will be coming home. I want them to love their husbands, and know that I am happy for them. I want their bonds to be closer knowing that one day one of them might not come home. I have no regrets in that. Charles and I had a unique bond on all different levels that not everyone can find. I was able to spend many years with Charles, where as most military wives don’t get that chance. I am eternally grateful for our time.

What are your plans for your future, Tanya? For your children’s future?

My plans for the future? Who knows what the future may bring. But (my) short-term goals are to stay here, and start college. My children will be going to college. Right now I am soaking up my children’s, friends’ and families’ love, which makes it possible to go on each day. I’m sure I left something out. I speak better than I write. I have a lot of thoughts, but they leave before I type. I’ve enclosed a copy of an email. It’s from him to me. Kinda gives you some insight on what kind of man he is and our relationship.

i don’t mean to take care of them first,
but i have to.
before i was trying to have partners in a business
that i thought would take care of me,
and whoever was with me,
but here i have to because of rank,
and that it is the way it is supposed to be,
not like when i was out when you first met me.
i thought when you met me,
i was with the right people,
that it would work that way to where
i would accomplish the same thing i am getting in here,
but it was not. i wish we could have done this when i was in the first time,
because i would have never gotten out.
i feel that we have a very strong relationship,
because we believe in each other and
strongly support each other than anybody else.
so i really feel we have what god has strongly felt
about having a strong relationship because
we support one another and our feelings
or the time we spend away or speaking
still grows stronger than what normal people can realize,
and i brag about how we are and how they
can be if they can just realize what they are
trying to accomplish. and believe it
or not they can’t comprehend how we do it,
because we have so much faith in each other and trust.
but they are starting to get it now,
because they are asking more questions,
and i tell them that i wish
because i really do that i don’t get to talk to you
as much as i want to because of what is
demanded of me but you are still supporting
me as I do you and I really support you
and greatful to have a wife like i do
and would not trade anything for that.
because have seen what i could have had that is
why i had waited and would never traud anything for it.
my feelings have never changed and i would still marry you
again and again because you always support me
as i support you and i will never traid that or jeopardise that.
it is hard to find someone like that.
that is why i chose you out side of
what i could have had and
yes i do love you even though
i don’t tell you in voice or in person
because it is hard to confess so there
it is hope you understand
and i will call you tomorrow
when i get off and my roommates are gone
if not friday for sure because i will have alone time then.
wink wink.
love ya and talk to you soon.
i need to get a laptop so we can do this more often
we can talk hee hee alot more without nobody knowing.
love ya. talk very soon because I am just as you are.

An Interview With Gloria Horsley, PhD

Meet Gloria C. Horsley, Ph.D, National Board Member of The Compassionate Friends. In addition to Horsley’s educational credentials, and numerous publications, Horsley is author of blog — www.thegriefblog.com — and hosts a weekly radio show, Healing The Grieving Heart.

A bereaved parent, Dr. Horsley knows the pain involved in losing a loved one.

Horsley holds graduate degrees from the University of Rochester, Syracuse, Greenwich, and Holo’s Universities.

I am honored to present to you today my interview with the distinguished Dr. Gloria C. Horsley.

Dr. Horsley, as an accredited professional, what served you best as you journeyed through the grief process after your son died — Your education or your life’s experience?

It is interesting to note that when my son, Scott, age seventeen, was killed in an auto accident in 1983, I was already an expert in the area of grief and loss. I had become interested in the Hospice movement and had written my masters dissertation on “The Strengths and Needs of Hospice Nurses”. At the time Scott was killed, I was on the faculty of the University of Rochester Nursing School and was the Psychiatric Nursing Consultant to The University of Rochester Medical Center and covered the entire surgical service. I worked with burn patients, as well as accident victims and their families.

A few days prior to Scott’s death, I had been with a family whose son was injured in a van accident. The boy had been driving and his brother had been killed when the vehicle rolled over him. At the time I said, “I don’t know what you are going through, but I believe I have some information that may help.” A few days later my own son was dead and I realized how prophetic my words were. In fact I had not the slightest idea of the pain of losing a child. It is fully a physical experience like hitting a brick wall going ninety miles per hour. I did have a road map of what the grief trip would look like. However, there is nothing like taking the journey yourself. There is nothing like education in combination with experience. However, the experience was not worth the trip.

What came first, your grief, or your goal to help others through the grief process? Did one have anything to do with the other?

I stayed with the University of Rochester until I finished the semester, and then I went back to School at Syracuse University in their Ph.D. in Child and Family Studies. It was a way for me to stay competent and still not have the responsibility of caring for patients. I needed to do my own grief work. School was a wonderful distraction from the real world. I really specialized in Marriage and Family for the next 15 years. This practice always includes a good deal of loss. I also worked with families who had a member with AIDS. I opened a private practice in San Francisco and then in 2001 I got involved with The Compassionate Friends on a volunteer basis. They asked me to do an internet radio show with Voice America. I told them I would do thirteen shows which they could then archive on their web site. My daughter joined me as co-host this year and we have now interviewed over eighty bereaved people, mostly siblings and parents.

What helped most through your journey of personal loss? Can you expand on this? Was there a support system in place, i.e., family, friends, husband? Were they there for you? And in what way? Did you lose friends? Did friends return? Did you feel alone?

What helped me most on my grief journey was the fact that there were no choices. As I saw it, I had to go on. I had three daughters and a husband. I thought at times that I could not live through the physical pain. I thought the blood vessels in my brain would explode. After a week I made a promise to myself that I would not get sick. I started to run everyday. I felt ashamed as I thought the neighbors must be looking out their windows and thinking, “Look at her. She doesn’t really care.” But I ran, screamed, cried and went on.

Grief is an individual experience but there are some patterns and there are some things we know. I knew the patterns and I watched myself go through them. I yearned and searched, sighed, felt waves come over me, and had thoughts of feeling crazy and wanting to join Scott. However; I knew that these feelings were “normal”. This was somewhat of a problem because people came to me for support when I really needed to be left alone with my own grief. I really believe that you can only know what a loss is like when you have the physical as well as the intellectual experience. I frankly do not know what it is like to lose a sibling or a spouse. I have lost two parents as an adult and I can tell you that I miss my parents, but it was not the hell of losing a child but then I was an adult. Losses are not to be compared, they are to be experienced as part of the fabric of life.

Do you believe different type losses produce different type experiences, i.e, parents losing a child; husbands losing a wife, wives losing a husband, children losing a brother, sister, mother, father? Is all loss the same for everyone? What is your comment on grief?

I have always had the philosophy that to really know a loss you must have the physical as well as the intellectual experience. If a hang nail is the worst pain that you have ever had, you can have empathy for someone who has lost a finger, but you can really never know the depth of the loss.

As I write for widows only, what advice can you share with a woman who has just lost her husband? What words of wisdom can you offer to give her hope to carry on?

I would say just what I say on my show every week, “Others have been there before and made it. You can, too. You do not walk alone.” Call (in) our toll free number at 1-866-472-5791 and join us on the show every Thursday at 12 Eastern and 9 Pacific to talk about the losses in your life.

Have you a favorite tip, some words of wisdom which you wish to share with a new widow?

Financial issues are huge with the loss of a spouse. Make sure you have very good advice. Don’t move or make any decisions for the first year. It may be difficult, but try to stay put and stick with your routine. Drink lots of water, eat well, and walk around the block every day.

Is there a calendar, a clock, or a timetable a widow should know about the grief process? When can a widow expect to be done with her grief?

Grief is never “done” we always continue bonds with our loved ones and not missing them would, to my mind, be very strange. However, there has been useful research regarding widows and grief. It goes something like this: The first year is the, “I made it through year.” The second year is “Is this all there is?” The third year is, “I may make it,” and the fourth year is, “Where do I go from here?”

Do you have a favorite quote? It can be your own.

“Never, never, never give up hope. Find a why and you will find a how.”

What was your most embarrassing moment? Something to share with a new widow to help her smile, perhaps make her laugh out loud, again.

When I was seventeen, I was driving to a football game with a bunch of girls. We were packed into my father’s brand new Packard (car). I noted that I was almost out of gas, and I drove into a service station. A boy I recognized came out to pump the gas. As he headed for the pump, I said, “Oh, I hate that guy.” I then heard a voice from the back seat, “That’s my fiancé”.

Need I say more?