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If you are reading this then something terrible has happened. First let me give my condolences. As Joan Didion says, “Life changes fast.” Next let me extend a heartfelt welcome. You are now a member of an exclusive club — the club nobody wants to join. Though it may feel like your world’s turned upside down, already you’re asking questions: “How will I cope? Will things be okay? And can I please have my husband back?”
Best I can offer is 2 out of 3. As you may have already learned, becoming a widow is like sliding down a banister, finding out it’s a razor blade and then landing into a bucket of iodine. Worse, trying to explain your pain to someone not grieving your loss is like trying to describe the color orange to a blind man.
Now that I have your attention, I’m here to tell you, you are not alone. And yes, everything will be okay. You can, and you will learn to cope.
Here are my two tips I recommend you will need to remember as you cycle through your grief:
Number 1. Breathe.
That’s right. Assume the position: Right hand on chest, left hand on belly. Now practice sucking air — In through your nose, and blowing air — Right back out your mouth.
Do this s-l-o-w-l-y.
Do it when people, or the things people say, begin to overwhelm you (and, honey, trust me, it will happen). Remember: take one step back, and take a deep breath.
Taking deep breaths will ground you and help you regain your focus.
In addition, teaching yourself to breathe properly will do wonders for your complexion. You’ll look not only look good, you’ll feel good, too.
I know you could care less about what I’m saying right now, but for you, the newly widowed, breathing is a good thing and something that will become a distraction when you need one most.
Number 2. Repeat after me: “I’m not up to this conversation at this time.”
Good job.
Now be ready to say these words to the next perfect stranger who asks you an inane question, the one that will cut like a knife and make you want to run and hide.
If everything everyone is saying at this time sounds inane, then already you know what I mean. So just open your mouth and whisper the above words. I promise those people will realize right away you need your space.
Not only will you, the newly widowed, need space, you must also realize you will need to conserve energy for those other important things, like washing your kid’s face, if you got a kid; sitting down to eat a hot meal, hungry or not; and performing simple tasks, like brushing your teeth and combing your hair.
I know it’s hard to bury a husband. Life as you knew it is changed forever. But it’s now onto Plan B, whatever Plan B is.
Just remember my 2 tips outlined above, and like a good scout, you will have earned your badge of courage, and be prepared to conquer your new world, which is vital to your survival in the days ahead.
My new article, “How to Get Through the Grief Process – For Widows Only – 3 Tips to Help You Process Your Grief” is posted at EzineArticles.com
I invite you to read it. Please click here.
Good Mourning Widows!
Good Mourning Everyone!
Here are 2 tips to get you through the day without Him:
Laugh.
Laugh some more.
Got nothing to laugh at–Think again.
Got newspaper?
Turn to the funnies section for some comic relief. Betcha one slurpy wet kiss from my toothless dog you’ll find something silly to tickle your funny bone.
Got t.v.? Click on the Comedy channel.
What? You say nothing funny happening there?
Then out the door with you.
And to your local video store to make a comedy selection there–Think Lucille Ball, 3 Stooges, Martha Raye–Okay. So these aren’t your choices.
Then make one of your own.
What are you waiting for?
You have permission–
To become your own best friend.
Begin today.
Begin this minute.
Just do it. Do it now!
Have a joy-filled day everyone. And just remember…
We’re not alone!
L
The funeral is over.
You’ve written ten thousand checks and you’ve signed your name ten thousand times. Your tongue is numb from licking and stamping stamping ten thousand envelopes for ten thousand thank you notes, to ten thousand individuals. Is it any wonder, ten thousand times you wished you were dead?
The sight of Mr. Mailman, FTD, and your next-door friendly neighbor reduces you to tears.
You don’t hear the sound of water gushing out a faucet.
Your eyes blink, but they don’t focus. You can’t see.
You’re numb.
So, what’s wrong with you?
You wonder.
The answer:
You are gripped in grief.
It’s time to get out of the house.
But before you step one bunny-slippered foot out that front door, beware — friendly neighbor is waiting.
It’s okay, though, because after reading my top ten tacky things people will say and 10 tips on how you can react to them – like a good girlscout – you will be prepared.
Here they are, starting with the least tacky to the most tacky:
10. How much money did he leave you?
I know what you’re thinking. No one will ask you that question.
Surprise.
They will.
Money questions are paramount on nosey people’s minds — Soon as news gets out your husband is dead.
They’ll also ask, Did he have insurance? Did he leave a will?
T-A-C-K-Y .
Best response:
MYOB.
In simple language, None of your business.
9. Don’t worry, you’re young. You’ll meet someone else.
On the long list of UGLY, this one rockets to the top.
A new widow needs desperately to preserve her late husband’s memory. Replacing him, even in thought, at this time in her life is her choice.
Best answer:
I am really not up to this conversation, at this time.
Then steal yourself.
Walk away.
8. Can I list your house?
Everyone believes they know what is best for you, dear newly widowed.
Even your next-door friendly realtor.
Selling your home and moving away is at the top of his/her list.
Secretly, I wonder if realtors and funeral directors network.
Best advice:
When you find yourself barraged by FNR *friendly neighbor realtor*, tell him, or her, I am not interested.
If FNR persists, take action.
Contact the realty company that holds his license.
Request your name be removed from their mailing list.
Contact your local police department and file a complaint.
7. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.
Yikes. Make dust!
Run.
Fast, faster, fastest!
6. I’m not really married. My wife and I have an understanding.
Meet this one with a cold stare.
For effect, ask friendly neighbor to, Speak louder, please. Tell him, I’m recording this conversation.
5. Don’t tell my wife, but…
Same response as Number 6, above.
4. I know what you need.
Unless friendly neighbor’s toting a crystal ball, nobody knows what, you, dear newly widowed needs. Not even another widow.
Choose answer number 7, 6, or 5.
3. When are you going to go out? C’mon! It’s been more than (fill in the blank) years!
Put the burden of a response to this question on your friendly neighbor.
Ask: What’s so terrible about being alone?
2. OH MY GOD! I CAN’T TAKE IT! Can I have his watch? Or, some other husbandly possession.
I have 8 wristwatches that belonged to Him. They sit in a shoebox in my dresser.
Best answer: No.
1. I’m going to sue you!
This happened to me.
Best advice: Keep your mouth shut. Hire a lawyer.
Coping with the death of a spouse is difficult.
You, dear newly widowed, may feel overwhelmed, and, unwittingly, you may find yourself volunteering information when what you really want is to be private.
Don’t be afraid — be prepared.
Read my top ten tacky things people will say.
Practice my ten tips on how to react to them before going out the house, and before you know it, you will see each new day filled with the music of laughter and the sunlight of hope instead of your friends’ and neighbors’ tacky comments and questions.
Griefcase is a nonprofit organization, created for and dedicated to widows, and individuals, going though the grief process. If you or your company would like to make a tax deductible dollar donation, volunteer your time to work on the website, submit your writing, work for fund-raisers, in support, please feel free to contact:
Griefcase
Griefcase.net
P. O. Box 624
Hartsdale, NY 10530
914-671-5715
To learn more about Griefcase and the important work it does, you have permission to visit
http://www.griefcase.net/ coming soon.
By Linda Della Donna
Every widow handles grief in her own way. To be sure, every widow cries–Always when least expected. The next time your personal grief wave hits, here’s 3 tips to get you through:
1. Be prepared.
Like a good scout, carry a tissue, a hanky, a paper napkin, everywhere you go. Stuff one, two, maybe three, inside your bra, if your skirt has no pockets, if you decide not to tote a purse. Remember this sexy trick, and you’ll be prepared to blot your eyes at the drop of a tear, and look great, too.
2. Give yourself permission.
As Dr. Phil says, “It’s okay,” if you break down in tears at the sight of a strolling, hand-holding couple. After burying the best friend you ever had, there’d be something wrong with you if you didn’t cry.
3. Be kind–To yourself, to your children, to your pet dogs and cats.
If you feel yourself slipping into the depths of despair, reach out and touch someone–Contact a clergyperson, your family doctor, get to a bereavement group, fast!
Again, just remember, “It’s okay.”
One final word of advice: Never fight your grief. You’ll find you will lose that battle once you’ve mascara-ed your eyes. Instead, embrace the memory of Him. And later than sooner, you’ll find yourself one giant baby step closer to the best of your life.
by Linda Della Donna
The telephone rings endlessly. Seems soon as you hang up from talking to one caller, it rings again. And each time you answer it, you must relive the dirge of who, what, why, when, where, and how it all happened, all over again. You secretly wish to shuttle to the moon and leave no forwarding address.
It’s what happens when your husband dies, and you, the newly widowed, may wonder how the heck will I get through the grief process?
I know it’s not easy adjusting to life without Him. Would that I could I’d order up a giant eraser to erase away all your pain. But I can’t. Nobody can. Best I got are 4 tips to guide you as you make your way through the grief process. If you follow them, and I think you will at least try, you will soon become your own best friend. You will learn to trust your judgment, again; you will regain your self confidence, again, and eventually, you will accept what is before you, and be one giant baby step closer to mending your fractured heart and moving on with the best of your life.
Rule Number 1: Cry.
Give yourself permission to shed juicy tears. Why not? You’ve just experienced life at its worst. So be sure to keep tissues and hankies handy. You’ve earned the right.
Rule Number 2:
Smile. Okay. What’s with this writer, you say. Can’t this woman make up her mind?
Well, yes and no.
After awhile, maybe later than sooner, you’re going to notice soon as you’ve stepped one bunny-slippered foot into a room, that your friends’ eyes may start to glaze over at the sight of you, the newly widowed. You won’t need a crystal ball to tell you they got trouble dealing with you, the weepy widow woman, hanging around all the time moaning and groaning like some wounded animal — Think silly fat fish draped around some scruffy sailorman’s neck; think Cadillac-sized white whale spouting air through a giant blow hole.
Okay. You got the picture.
Being without your husband sucks; being without your friends stinks. So give yourself permission to smile, too. Then graduate to laughter.
Snip and clip funny papers for funny comic strips; ask friends and family for their favorite joke. Tell them to write it down. Give everyone who asks the inane question, if there’s anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to ask, the Herculean assignment to go out and find you the best damn joke they never heard.
It won’t be long before your friends will see you in a new light, the one without that fin or blowhole you sported the last time you met. And because they see you still standing and smiling, they’ll be better able to accept the change in your life.
Rule Number 3. Breathe.
Inhale. Exhale. Concentrate on the rush of air through your nose. Just breathe.
Sound easy? Think again. Under extreme stress an individual may find it difficult to catch a deep breath. So best advice: Practice whenever you can.
In this way the next time you feel that golf ball sized lump in your throat grab you by the tonsils, or those fat tears well up behind your eyeballs ready to splash out your face, you’ll be prepared and know what to do. Just take that deep breath. Just breathe.
As Health Educator, Michael White says, “Breath is life so when breathing improves, all good possibilities in life improve.”
I cannot impress upon, you, the newly widowed, more than that. Besides, good breathing will make you look healthy, feel healthy, and it will help you to better focus.
Rule Number 4. Deal yourself a deck of JOY.
It is said that the best things in life are free. I call these things “Mourning Joys.”
So get to the cheap store, purchase a soft-gel pen, pick out a set of blank index cards, a cheap pair of plastic scissors, and a glue stick. While you’re at it, toss in a see-thru zippered bag to store your stash.
What are you waiting for? Go!
Next, plan a specific time in the day to sit and stare out your window. Do it for the next 10 days. For 15 minutes.
Then get ready to draw.
On a blank index card.
Can’t draw? Scribble a stick figure.
Make a circle for a head. Another circle for its body. Draw a beaked nose. Scratch two lines for legs, three lines for feet. Make a fuzzy looped line for a wing. Draw a stick tree.
Can’t do that?
Hey, no excuses. Then cut and paste.
Pull out that favorite photo album with that favorite picture of you and Him in it.
Cut and paste that on a blank card. Scribble your three favorite words, “I Love You,” on the other side.
Grab another card.
Paste a joke *the one your favorite friend sent you, remember?* on it.
Cut and paste a picture from a favorite magazine on the other side of that card. Heck, cut up a doctor’s bill. Paste that.
Snip your horoscope from the daily newspaper. Paste it to a blank card.
Write one word, “Believe,” on the flip side of that card.
JOY cards are your cards. And, you, the newly widowed, are limited only by your imagination on what to fill them with. So be creative, be free. Be filled with “Mourning JOY.”
I know it’s not easy burying your life partner. On the long list of ugly thoughts of standing over a hole in the ground with the one you love lying in it rockets to the top. Your life will never be the same without Him–I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, Grief–Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, ‘ya just gotta go through it.
But following my 4 things to guide you through the grief process, as outlined aboue, you can and you will make it through.
And before you know it, like that old headstone in the cemetery reads, “Where you are now, I once was.” Well, “Where I am now, you soon shall be.”
You wait and see.
Good Mourning, Widows.
Joy to you me.
It’s a gray day 20 miles north from where the World Trade Center use to be, CNN reports there’s a cow in a swimming pool, Scooter Libby goes to court to try to delay a prison sentence, investigators pursue a new tip in the missing girl case in Portugal, and why did a woman in a hospital emergency room die surrounded by nurses, doctors, and attendants?
As I sit gazing out my home office window at a sky the color of an elephant’s ear, my fingers tip-tapping a laptop keyboard, listening to TV to the right of my desk, I am reminded of a famous image from a famous movie, the one of men and women across the nation, hanging out their windows, screaming, “I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!”
I don’t have any tips on how to make money. Sorry.
But I do have one tip on how to make a friend. Simple. Be one.
Be there for someone. Lend a helping hand. Stand up, stand out from the crowd. Do it for the other person. Do it for yourself. Do it for Him. Just do it. I dare you.
One never knows what the future holds. It could be you staring a cow in the eyes in your yard, you wondering where your loved one is, you marching to court hanging your head low giving emotional support to your loved one…Hey, you never know.
I can’t change the world, would that I could. Today, I just work at changing me.
Have an abundantly joy-filled day, Widows. And remember, we’re not alone.
L
By Linda Della Donna
As Fannie Lou Hamer says, “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
The same can be said for moaning, mourning, crying, and grieving.
After awhile being His widow becomes a burden. Only you can decide when that time is. And that’s when it’s time to throw up the sash to what I call your “window of illumination,” the brief earth-shattering moments when you feel relieved of your grief and are able to cook clean and swim, and let the sunshine in!
Here are 2 Tips to get you started:
Permission
Raise your right hand and repeat after me: I give myself permission to live, laugh, love, smile, grin, snicker, and do all, or any, of the things I choose to do, today, tomorrow, always, for the rest of my life.
Don’t stop here. Keep reading.
Forgiveness
Admit it. You’ve made mistakes since His death.
So what?
So you forgot to write the check to the mortgage company last month. Or was it the month before? Did the bank sic the mortgage police on you?
So you didn’t remember to change the litter in the cat box. Did Mr. Kitty join cats anonymous and write a letter of complaint?
If the answers to the above 2 questions was an emphatic No; if the roof over your head is still standing, if you didn’t pass out from Mr. Kitty’s stinky fumes, then you’ve learned life’s valuable lesson,“ After the death of a spouse, life goes on Without Him. And maybe it’s time to move on with the rest of your life.” Only you can be the judge of that.
I know it’s hard losing a spouse. What seems like an eternity of dark days, followed by a sea of lonely nights, sucks. But if you follow my 2 tips outlined above, sure as cinnamon melts in warm butter, you’ll find your window of illumination opening wide, wider, widest for long, longer, longest periods of time, lighting your way to mend and heal your shattered heart. Before you know it, you will be one baby step closer to your new perfect self. The person you are meant to be.
Today is Wednesday, March 28, 2007.
Izzy snores loudly, I see the tip of his snoot peek out from under a corner of the covers *Yes, I type in bed* as I tap the keyboard of the laptop. Today is a brand new sunshiny day.
Hooray for spring!
Last night I did the Meetup thing. Ever do the Meetup thing?
Anyway, last night I ventured out from the security of my own private space, and met up with a handful of people at a local restaurant. We sat around, ate a meal, and afterwards played a game–Something like pictionary, think teams of 6, pick a card, draw the image on an eraseable white board, get your team to guess what it is you read on the card.
My team lost. Oh well. But we had great fun losing. It was 11 o’clock by the time the game ended and I hated to leave.
I learned a new game, a new restaurant, and I made quite a few new friends. Most important, it got me out among the living.
I know it isn’t easy living without Him. Nothing I can say will change that. But if you’re thinking where do I go? How do I meet people? I recommend
http://www.meetup.com
Like Mom always said when I wouldn’t eat my stringbeans, “Try it. You’ll like it.”
Have a joy-filled day Widows. And remember we’re not alone.
L
